I have finally completed a test I’ve been studying for for months and once I walked out of the room, five hours later, writing in this blogs was one of the first things I wanted to do (second to laying down in the grass).
One thing about this test was it reminded me of a grading or an important dance recital. It was an event you markdown in your calendar in the distant future. You practice when you want to, you practice when you don’t want to, and by the end you’re tired of hearing the same song or seeing yourself doing that kata in the mirror. The day always seems so far away until all of a sudden you look up and it’s tomorrow! I think I bored my boyfriend and parents to tears with my last minute anxiety the day before but just like a grading, you feel the nerves until it is show time. Now, you just have to know that you did everything you could and that you’re ready to show you did the work.
About a year ago I saw this quote that resonated with me and I’m not sure if I’ve referenced it here before but it is always in the back of my mind so it’s worth repeating even if I have. After reading this it’s almost as if I finally learnt how to study and it gets me moving when I think I can’t practice any more: “The pain of regret is far worse than the pain of discipline”. I’ve felt this after a test and this is by far the worst feeling. If after a test you can pinpoint a day that you could have gotten up and practiced but just couldn’t find the drive to do it, and you feel, had you had that extra day you may have performed better, there is no greater sense of pain.
There was no way I was going to let that happen in this test and I gave up going out, karate, my cousins wedding, my vacation hours, sleep and it was definitely not going to be for nothing. The day of the test, for whatever reason, I feel calm. Sitting in the cold room I feel the nerves of people around me and I tell myself “I’m not going to fall apart now”. I know half of it is mental and it’s when you lose your composure and pacing that you fail. We are told to start and in for quick moment I’m thinking: “wow, this is it! You’ve done this test almost every day for the past two weeks. Used most of your annual vacation days from work to spend your days in libraries and coffee shops across the city. But just like a grading, it doesn’t matter how you performed then. It doesn’t matter if you’ve done this a hundred times correctly because this is the only time that counts and if it’s not perfect now it may as well have never been perfect.” The rest of the test is a blur. I moved because I had practiced the movements and when you know something your body just executes it without needing much conscious thoughts.
This test is finally done and it’s time to put this passion back into karate because like Sensei has said multiple times in the past, don’t perform poorly in class or when you train and then put on an amazing performance in a tournament because you want to win. Every class, every time you train, you should put as much effort and sweat as if it is a grading to show respect for the art and for your Sensei; that is more important than coming first in a tournament any day!
Tonight’s kata: Seiyunchin
Book: Book of Five Rings
Pushups: 60
My Daily Sanchin 